Tuesday 26 July 2011

And One for Señor Drogas (x6)

And One for Señor Drogas (x6)

            For breakfast, Will grabbed some baked goods from the Back Factory.  I was a bit too hungry for just baked goods, so I got an entire pizza for myself.  It was tasty.  Amsterdam is super expensive, so Will and I planned to stay at a campsite for ¾ of our nights in Amsterdam. 

            When we got into Amsterdam, we hopped on a ferry that landed us about 2km from the campsite.  We hiked over and checked in.  It was about twice the price we were expecting, and we had to buy a tent.  We got one second-hand from them for a reasonable price.  After pitching the tent, Will and I grabbed a four day transportation pass and took a bus into town.

            If you ever go to Amsterdam, know this: you need to not only check in with your transport pass, but also check out.  It doesn’t matter if it’s a subway, tram, or bus.  If you don’t check out, it voids your card.  Don’t forget it!

            As a sidenote, if you’ve ever played The Sims, Dutch sounds exactly like Simmglish.  I don’t speak German, but when I hear German speech, I understand that words are being said – it sounds like a language.  When I hear Dutch, it just sounds like gibberish.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s great.  The Dutch sound super excited and happy about EVERYTHING!  Some guy gave me directions on a bus, and his accent/tone of voice made it sound like he was so…happy for me.  I’ll put the subtext from his accent in brackets:

            “You’re going to get on the (whatever)straat, [and you’re going to have a great time].  Then, you’ll take a left, [and it’s going to be awesome].  You’ll then be on the Prinsengracht, [and you’re going to love it there].”  Seriously.  He sounded that excited for me.  Everything in my day was just going to be the best thing ever, and he was so happy to inform me of it.  Again, if you missed it, the stuff in brackets was the subtext from his accent / tone.  Dutch people are friendly.

            Once we got into town, we checked out the local coffeehouses and bars.  We had dinner at some point, but that’s not important.  What IS important is that we ended up at this place called Happy Bar (I think it was Happy Bar, at least).  We call it Elli’s bar.  Elli was our kiwi bartender.  She was great.  For my first drink, I had a Liquid Apple Pie.  Will had a couple caipiriñas.  I had a taste of his, and it was a damn good caipiriña.  Will and I ended up ordering a bunch of the things.

            While sitting at the bar, the dude next to me starts talking.  This guy was in his late 30s, wearing sunglasses in the dark bar.  I start chatting with him, and he starts rolling a huge joint.  His name was Bart, and he was ridiculous.  According to him, he made millions of dollars in the debt resettlement industry.  Bart was frequently spouting racist epithets and talking about “the ‘raris, bitch!” Yes, he called Ferraris “ ‘raris.”  He also wanted us to get into his business.  Bart claimed to be old, lazy, and way too rich.  However, he had a dialer back home, and all he wanted was a young guy with some drive to pick up the business and give him a little off the top. 

I am going to give a sample of what it was like talking to Bart.  I am going to quote him exactly.  If you are deeply offended by racist epithets, SKIP THIS SECTION.  You are warned, so no bitchin’.  Bart had conversations with us like this (note: his voice got higher and he started squeaking more as this went on):

Bart:  Make shit-tons of money, niggaaaaa!
Me:  I just wanna be a veterinarian.
Bart:  Fuck that shit, nigga!  We gonna get RARIS, niggaaaa!  Raris and bitches!  All the best drugs, nigga!  You WANT that shit?
Me:  Uh, I’ll be happy being a veterinarian.
Bart:  Will, what about you?
Will:  Nah, I’m good, I don’t need the money.
Bart:  You’ll get the RARIS and the whores, nigga!
Will:   I don’t need a Ferrari, my Ford works fine.
Bart:  Fuck that shit, nigga!   I wanted a Lamborghini, so I just threw down the money, cash, and it was in my driveway that day, niggaaaaa!

            The more this went on, the more Bart smoked and drank.  The more he smoked and drank, the higher his voice got, the more racist epithets he spouted, and the more his suddenly DEEP Tennessee accent came out. 

Bart:  Hey Will, you want a hit of this?
Will:  Nah, I don’t smoke.
Bart:  What the fuck, why not?
Will:  Well, the military asks if you’ve ever done recreational drugs over the age of 18 when you apply for OCS, and I don’t lie under oath. 
Bart:  So just lie, nigga!  Fuck America!
Me:  Uh, lying under oath isn’t cool.
Bart:  Fuck that shit, you can just join the regular army.
Will:  But then I earn like $20,000 less a year.
Bart:  I wanna take twenty grand, wipe my nuts with it, and *squeak* LIGHT THAT SHIT ON FIRE.
Will:  ……..Cool.

            I had a lot of trouble understanding Bart’s business scheme.  I now understand it, so I’ll explain.  You may find this boring, but talking about it took up most of our evening.  You’ll live. 

            Just to illustrate the point, I’m going to use easy, arbitrary numbers.  John Doe buys $10,000 worth of shit with his Visa card.  He is making minimum payments.  Bart calls him up and says, “Look, you’re paying minimums right now, right?  You’re never going to get out of debt that way.  For $1,000, I can make it so you only pay $5,000.  You can pay $5,000, right?  Good.  Now change your phone number.” 

            Bart then calls up Visa and says, “Okay, you’re never going to get in touch with him.  If you want any of your money, just accept $5,000.  You’ll get it.”  Now, credit card companies make a SHIT-TON of money.  Built into their business plan is expected loss from people who don’t pay.  However, they make so much money that they don’t care.  If they can get $5,000 soon, they’d rather have that.  It minimizes their losses.

            China then buys the debt from the credit card companies at like $0.40 to the dollar.  Visa would rather have a lump sum immediately than small payments, and it also guarantees that their loss gets minimized.  China takes a risk, but it’s a low risk.  For a possible $5,000, they’re only investing $2,000.  Good deal for China.  Visa has minimized its losses, John has halved his debt, and Bart has made $1,000.

            Now, you may be asking, what happened to the $5,000 that Visa said “Whatever” to?  It’s gone.  Poof!  Vanished!  There are 5,000 fewer U.S. dollars in the world.  Thus, the value of the dollar increases slightly.  So who gets fucked?  Pretty much everyone who has non-U.S. currency.  For China, John, Visa, and Bart to make some money, every person on Earth who has non-U.S. currency sacrifices a small fraction of a penny.  This loss is too small to be noticed, but the cumulative effect is that Bart, Visa, and China make millions, and John gets $5,000 of free shit. 

            When Bart left, we asked Elli if he was serious.  Apparently, he’s living at the nicest hotel in Amsterdam, and he just comes in every day to drink and smoke all day.  He also throws money around like crazy.  He was real, and he wanted Will and me to join in his multi-million dollar scheme.  Will and I weren’t interested.  I want to play with puppies and I guess he’d rather just blow shit up.

Will’s Corner
            You can’t really get by in the world without at least some use of money, but I don’t expect that I’ll ever need or even really particularly want to be a multi-millionare. I like to keep things simple and money just complicates shit.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Joe,
            Keep up the good work.  Just remember, we’re always watching.  Always.
Love,
Will and Andy

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