And One for American Gun Laws
It took forever to drag Will out of bed. Once I did, I informed him that I had signed us up to go caving. Hungary has some crazy thermal waters, and they’ve carved out some fantastic limestone caves. We were going into them.
We had a crazy Hungarian guide whose name I can neither pronounce nor spell. He was like a cave monkey. He would go into tiny spaces and just zoom through them. He’d also leap up onto rocks and bounce around. He also made a weird raspberry noise that sounded like a fart – constantly. You know, like by putting his tongue between his lips and blowing. It was his most frequently used “word.” It was totally incongruous, too. He’d say things like “And then they just died. In the dark. And the cold. And the dark. *ppftth
Caving was awesome. First of all, we looked sexy.
Second, although some of the chambers were pretty big, we had to squeeze through some pretty small spaces.
When we got out, we grabbed some beers with the people we went caving with. Beer was super cheap, so Will and I each had two. I can neither pronounce nor spell the beer. It was tasty. Afterwards, everyone hopped on the bus(es) to go back to Budapest. Everyone agreed it was a night for raging. The American girls gave us their number, and the Germans said they’d meet us at some park in the Jewish district. The rest of us were all going to get the Hungarian buffet again because it’s super tasty and reasonably cheap. And it has food forever.
When we finally got to the buffet, they said they were closing in 30 minutes. That is not nearly enough time to feast, so we got McDonalds (shut up, it was open and cheap). We headed over to the park where we were supposed to meet everyone. We were with the two American dudes. We walked around that park for about 45 minutes. When we finally decided to give up, we ran into the Canadian dude. Suddenly, we also met up with the British dude. Then, even more suddenly, almost everyone was there.
Sadly, the Germans deutsched us and the American girls took so long to get ready that they were like “Ehhh maybe we’ll see you there.” We never saw them, but they were kinda boring anyways. We missed the German dudes. They were fun, despite being high schoolers (they were 19 years-old. German high school is 13 years.). We ended up at Szimpla again, the bar we had been at the other night. Will and I had a beer each, and then we decided we weren’t feeling it anymore. Walking around the park over and over and over took too much out of us.
This one girl we were with told us the craziest story we had ever heard in our lives. I will recount it to you as best as I can. She was at a hostel in Hungary, and this dude is sitting in a chair, shaking. He looks freaked out, and he’s saying “Thank god I got here…” She asked him what had happened, and he told her the following:
The guy was on a train to Budapest. He was very excited, but did not have anywhere to stay for the first night. He was sitting across from these two Romanian girls, and he told them about it. He talked to them for a while, and they said, “Hey, we have this place not far outside Budapest, and you’re welcome to stay with us until you find yourself a hostel.” This sounded like a good deal, so he agreed. He is a dumbass.
They get off the train, and they got onto another train. The train kept going and going, until they eventually reached the Romanian border at 01:00. There were no more trains, so he couldn’t leave. He wasn’t particularly freaked out yet. He probably figured that Europeans have a weird sense of distance. Anyways, the girls take him out through some dark alleys, out to the fringes of the city, next to the woods. This dude pulls up in a blinged out car, and he’s wearing really expensive clothing. They all start talking in Romanian, and pretty much force him to get into the back of the car. He’s still not too freaked out, but he thinks it’s kinda weird. Again, this guy is a dumbass, apparently.
They eventually arrive at a small Gypsy village in the middle of nowhere. They bring him into a house, and they lock him in a bedroom. Any time he wants to go to the bathroom or something, someone goes with him and stands there with him. Now he starts to freak out. Every time he took a shower, one of the Romanian girls went in with him, then forced him to have sex with her. Meanwhile, they are charging him insane amounts of money for absolutely everything. Use the internet? 300 Euros, and someone is carefully watching what you do. Take a shower? 50 Euros, etc. He’s just shelling out tons of Euros.
On the second day, they go out into the center of the village. Everyone is standing there, just in a circle around him. There’s no way he can dart out and escape, and they’re all talking in Romanian. The blinged out dude starts handing out the guy’s Euros to people in the village. He then realizes that the entire village is in on this. He is freaking the fuck out, but he can’t escape. At this point, he starts saying that he has a medical condition and has to get to Budapest. His friend has his medications, and he’ll die without them. They tell him that he can leave on the 20th. He explains that this isn’t an option, doesn’t understand why it has to be the 20th, and keeps insisting that he’ll die without the medicine. Leave on the 20th, they insist.
On the third day, he goes to the bathroom and there are empty Ziploc bags all over the walls, just hanging there. Now he’s freaking out like crazy. What are they doing? Are they going to harvest his organs? He starts yelling at them and crying, telling them that he’s going to die without his medication. Finally, they tell him that they’ll take him to the train station…for 300 Euros. He accepts, and the Gypsies take him to the train station.
What. The. Fuck. Gypsies.
Then, Will and I went back to the hostel and went to bed. Romania should be fun.
Will’s Corner
Guns > Gypsies. Yay America!
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Dear Joe,
If you were ever kidnapped by Gypsies, it would be because they loved you, not because they wanted your money and/or organs.
Love,
Will and Andy
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