And One for Jacques

And One for Jacques

            The ferry was not much like a boat.  The bus pulled in, we got off, and we went up to a higher up deck.  It felt and looked like a hotel lobby.  In fact, the only ways that I could tell that we were on a boat were that Will was playing Lonely Island’s “I’m on a Boat” in my ear, and there was water outside the window.  Otherwise, totally a hotel.  I felt no movement. 

            The boat pulled into Holyhead; we got back on the bus; and we went to border control.  They basically interrogated the Nigerian dude who had been sitting next to Will, the two Arabs in front of him, and me (mine wasn’t very bad.  They let me go as soon as I said I was taking the Chunnel to Paris after London.  Apparently, this makes me legit.). 

            Will and I got back on the bus, and the dude next to Will smelled really badly and was crowding me.  I moved seats (a poor choice).  I sat down next to a self-described illiterate manic-depressive who said I should call him “Blue,” and he was very determined to give me all of his boundless wisdom.  I don’t even remember half the shit he said to me (he lectured me from like 02:00-0:400).  The main gist of what he was trying to tell me is that I have no knowledge unless I go experience it myself, I shouldn’t learn anything from others, and illiterate people have the most knowledge in the universe ever (not an exaggeration of what he was saying.  Blue was very clear about that.  I’ll recount one string of conversation with Blue as exactly as I can:

           

Blue:  Okay, you have two people applying for a job.  One is highly educated and has all of the requirements.  The other cannot read, write, or spell.  Who do you pick?

Me:  It depends.  What is the job?  Does the illiterate guy have that special knowledge you were talking about?

Blue:  Don’t hesitate!  Don’t think about it!  You’ve already failed.  If you had to save your friend, and your friend was drowing, and you think about it, your friend is dead.  You’ve killed your friend.  You’ve already failed.  (He lectures about random shit that I can barely understand through his thick British accent and craziness).  Now pick one!

Me:  Okay, I guess I’d pick the one with all of the qualifications.

Blue:  NO!  You’re wrong!  He’s the one with the knowledge up there (he points to his head).  Now, you’ve degraded him, and you’ve degraded me.  A man degraded me the other day, and I snapped.  I snapped because he degraded me.

Me:  Well, I asked if he had that special knowledge, and you wouldn’t tell me.

Blue:  Don’t try to turn this to your advantage.  It was your choice, and I had no part in it.  It was your mistake.  Let’s say I give you a bottle of wine.  What do you do with it?

Me:  I share it with you!  I like to share gifts like that.

Blue:  No, you’re not understanding.  You take it home, and you let it ferment a bit.  Then, you invite some friends over, you open it up, you let it ferment a bit more, and you make some dinner.  You lay out the dinner, and everything looks amazing (he kisses his fingers).  But, you’ve let the wine sit too long.  How does it taste?

Me:  Like vinegar.

Blue:  Exactly.  You let it sit too long. 

            Now, after every point he made (there were TENS of them), he would say “LIKE THE BOTTLE OF WINE.”  75% of the time, I could not conceive how it related to the bottle of wine.  Finally, he went to sleep and I followed.  I cannot explain to you how insane he was, how insane the shit he was saying was, or how fucking scary he was occasionally. I couldn’t tell if he was a genius or just batshit insane.  Probably a bit of both.

            I wake up in London at 08:30.  Will had a lovely nap the entire 12 hour trip, free from manic-depressive gurus.  We went into the subway, and I lead us towards our hostel, the Green Man.  It’s awesome.  There’s a 24 hour pub in the basement with a three hour happy hour where they sell any pint for 2.80 pounds.

            After settling in, we went to the zoo.  Will and I both love zoos.  It was great!  There were all sorts of crazy animals.  I’ll say one thing about the Ring-Tailed Lemurs in Britain, they are as snooty as the British!  Look at this guy:

            After the zoo, we sat around in the hostel’s pub from like 16:00-23:00 (you have no idea how tiring that bus ride was).  We had a few beers, and Will showed his age with a classy drinking straw (I can't get it to rotate, sorry.  Turn your head.).  We made pub friends!  Will just went to bed.  Big day tomorrow!

            Oh, I also saw a dragon today.  They’re real here in the UK!

Will’s Corner

            Brilliant!

Dear Joe,

            Everyone looks up to you, and you are a hero.  Stay strong!

Love,

Will and Andy