And One For the Greatest Thieves in the History of the World
For breakfast, we had all-you-can-eat buffet at Pizza Hut. Will had BBQ chicken pizza with corn on it. It was weird, but he’s weird, so it’s okay. Then, we went to the British Museum. You may not know this, but the British have robbed the world blind during their conquering days. They stole ALL of ancient Assyria. That’s right, they took every last bit. If there was something in ancient Assyria that wasn’t on display, it was probably in their storeroom. They stole the door off the house (no really, there was actually a massive door on display).
There was also a ton of stuff from ancient Egypt (surprise!). We weren’t surprised to see a lot of stuff on display, but we were surprised to see that they haven’t returned Cleopatra’s body. It’s still there. On display. Being dead. Not being in Egypt. You know.
One thing we noticed was that despite having an “Americas” section, they had NOTHING American (Native Americans excluded). The British may steal from everyone in the world, but they can’t steal from us. We kicked them out, and we’re keeping our stuff. Yeah! Go USA!
Final thing about the British Museum: it is mostly no longer a “hey look, I’m a fancy British man, and this is the stuff I’ve stolen from primitives!” sort of place. However, there is an exception. They have a huge library that is half books (mostly stolen) and half just…stuff. Stuff that looks like it should be in a British man’s study or a museum and nowhere else. It was hilarious.
We were looking for an arms exhibit, and we asked a woman where their arms and armor collection was. She informed us that they didn’t really have one, but the Wallace Collection did. We went to the Tube and went over to the Wallace Collection. When we arrived, we discovered that the Wallace Collection closed at 17:00. It was 16:45. We sped through their awesome collection of weapons, only to discover that it was all donated by one dude, Sir Richard Wallace. Go figure.
The previous night, while drinking at our hostel’s pub (Well, Will was drinking. I was having a drink. There’s a distinction.), we had met this gorgeous Swedish bartender named Mimi. She was super friendly, and I invited her to come out for drinks with us. She told us to meet her up in Camden at 18:00. We waited for a half hour, and she arrived. We then took us to meet her friends, three Aussies. The three Aussies were Troy, another bartender from our hostel, Haley, and another Haley. We all went to a cocktail bar that had a 2-for-1 special. Will ordered Diablos, a mix of his favorite tequila, El Jimador, ginger ale, and blackberry liqueur. These dudes poured HEAVY drinks. Each drink had 2.5 shots, so one order of drinks was 5 shots. Will had two orders (10 shots). When he got them, he had this HUGE shit-eating grin. I think it’s the happiest I’ve seen him so far, comparable to when I found London subways. I had two Cuba Libres, which were glorified rum and cokes of similar strength (they add lime). Will wanted to be Lando and go for a drink called the Bespin Double-Cross, but he failed due to lack of vanilla tequila at the bar.
Soon, more friends arrived. Yet another hostel bartender arrived, an Estonian dude named Jaan. Jaan is fantastic. He says that a lot of things are “brilliant!” He finds a Czech beer, Staropramen, to be particularly brilliant, especially when served with Pepperoni pizza. He’s really fun. He is Will’s hero. He gave Will a Guinness that someone ordered but never took, and he also bought Will another beer later that night. Jaan came with this stupid-ass British dude who had been living at the hostel for two months, getting drunk every night (and making a general ass out of himself). EVERYONE hated him, even people our group didn’t know.
Then, Jared arrived. He is my hero. He’s this crazy Aussie version of Joe who just likes to bro out, drink, and have a good time. He bought me drinks too, I think two of them. He also did something truly epic, which you’ll see soon enough. After Jared, another hostel bartender arrived, a French guy from Lyon named Tibo. Jared may like to party, but Tibo likes to rage. This is another distinction.
Will and I got a little bit screwed over. They told us we were leaving soon, so Will and I didn’t buy another round. We ended up staying for another half hour past happy hour, so Will and I were sad. Will almost cried when he couldn’t get more cheap Diablos. After the cocktail bar, we went to some random pub where Jaan gave Will a magical beer that just appeared when Will turned around for a second. He was scared of the magic, but mostly happy about the beer. Also, he was happy about Jaan. Just in general. Jaan is the man. He’s brilliant.
Next, we went to a dance club/concert-type place called Proud. Thanks to Jaan’s crazy Estonian accent, Will thought it was “Prowl,” and I thought it was “Prau.” Jaan really wanted to dance, and dance he did! We grabbed drinks and went to this weird pseudo-private room that was lined with metal fence for the last few feet before the ceiling. It had no door. More importantly, it had a stripper-pole type thing on a raised, colorful platform in the middle. At first, only the Aussie girls and Mimi were dancing on the pole, but then Jared, Tibo, and some weird Canadian couple who appeared at one point joined us. Jaan was dancing a ton, but then he vanished.
I eventually joined in, and the only person who wasn’t dancing was Will. This was not surprising because Will doesn’t dance. Then, something amazing happened. Jared, my hero, tried to convince Will to dance. He was SUPER drunk. Will, noting this, offered Jared his extra glass, half tequila and half ginger ale, saying that he would dance if Jared drank it. Jared did not hesitate for even a moment. He just chugged it. Will was so awed that he got up, grabbed the pole, and danced. It was magical, like a dream. It was a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and the world shall never see the like again.
All of our friends except the drunk-ass British dude that everyone hated and the random Canadian couple abandoned us. Jared went home with Mimi, Tibo went home with blonde Haley, and red-headed Haley went to hang out with Troy. None of us knew how the bus system worked. We had a small tip from Jared, but it wasn’t very much (he was drunk as hell). We got home using teamwork. I figured out where we could get the appropriate bus, and Canadian dude figured out which stop was the right one (two had similar names). We made it, and we passed the hell out in the hostel.
Will’s Corner
I’m back, bitches!
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Dear Joe,
Don’t fight it.
Love,
Will and Andy
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